


bring me some hope (by wandering into my mind)

by MissSunFlower94



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Allusions to Cel's Past, Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Post-177, Zolf as Ship's Councilor Strikes Again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:55:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27766348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissSunFlower94/pseuds/MissSunFlower94
Summary: This time, everyone lives.It doesn't erase the guilt.
Relationships: Celiquillithon "Cel" Sidebottom & Zolf Smith
Comments: 9
Kudos: 42





	bring me some hope (by wandering into my mind)

**Author's Note:**

> Every week I process my feelings about Cel by having them talk to Zolf. This is the content you've all signed up for.

Everyone lives.

There are hugs, so many hugs, and laughter and a moment of joy unburdened by any looming concerns or disasters. 

Everyone lives.

Cel steps back from the celebration not long after it begins, watching it from the outside, grinning so hard they can feel their jaw aching. Their eyes are burning and they’re blinking a little too often but it’s fine. 

Everyone lives.

Sassraa and Meerk are in a pile of kobolds and Hamid, Wilde and Barnes both have an arm slung around Carter, laughing, while Azu and Zolf - like Cel - are standing a few paces away, smiling at the scene. Unlike Cel, they stand close together, squeezing each other’s hands. Cel doesn’t think they’ve seen Zolf look so at peace. 

Everyone lives.

They slip away as soon as they possibly can, a quick word to Earhart about wanting to assess the damage of the ship. The captain’s gaze is sharp and knowing, but they’re enough alike that she doesn’t try to stop them. One of the Ursans guides them back and for the first time since touching down, Cel’s eye isn’t drawn to the city around them, to the memory of a picture book and stories from their mother. They aren’t seeing anything around them. They’re seeing a ruined settlement; they’re seeing bodies, bloodied, burnt and broken; they’re seeing ruin they allowed, ruin they caused, lives they’ll never get back.

Cel waits barely long enough for the druid to leave them with the carcass of the Vengeance before they break.

Everyone lives.

They’re happy. Of course, they’re happy. They have to be happy; this is everything they could hope for, everything they’ve never had before, after immeasurable loss, after making every mistake… 

This time, everyone lives.

It’s  _ this time _ that sticks in their mind. There is nothing special about this time. The disaster was still their fault, the deaths something they could not fix. If they had crashed anywhere else there would have been nothing to save those four people, and it would have been every tragedy in Cel’s life all over again.

Cel stares at the ruined engine room around them, not seeing it, and instead remembers their words to Sassraa, that not everything gets solved, that certain things need to be left behind, unfinished, unfixed, and they wonder how much their limbo would have looked the same. How much Sassraa’s struggle was their own as well. How even now they’re stuck on what they could have fixed, what they should have done, how if they had just been a little smarter none of this would have-

“Cel?”

They jump and turn, surprised to find Zolf standing in the doorway. “Zo- Mis-Mister Smith- Zolf,” they stumble, quickly wiping their fingers across their cheekbones, trying to wipe away evidence of tears that haven’t actually stopped. “Is everything- has something happened?”

His eyes narrow, but he doesn’t come any closer. They wonder what a sight they must be. “Ah, no. I just- Earhart said you were checking on the engine.”

“Yep!” Cel says brightly. “We’ve asked enough of these lovely people so now that- now that things are o-okay now, the sooner we can get flying again- or at least find what we need to ask for. I mean, this city is incredible; they must have some truly amazing engineers, but first I need to- to check, you know? Nothing to worry about!”

“Cel,” Zolf says, now taking a step forward. He looks ready to say something and then stops, sighing. He looks wary again and they’re mad that they’re a stain on the celebration. “I- I didn’t come here to tell you how to destress. I guess. If you want to make a list of what we need, that… will actually be very helpful.”

Cel sniffs. They’re no longer crying, but they’re not far from the edge. “Oh. Okay. Um… why did you come up here then?”

He’s silent for a moment, suddenly awkward in the way that Cel has begun to recognize means he wants to talk about feelings. A rare thing for Mr. Zolf Smith. 

They don’t know what to expect but it isn’t what he says. “I, uh, I wanted to thank you, for this.”

Cel blinks, and already they can feel the tears blur their vision again. “I- I don’t- Mr. Smith- this wasn’t- I haven’t done anything to be- to be thanked for. If anything  _ I’m _ why we needed- needed any of this in the first place so I don’t think-”

“Cel,” Zolf says again, his voice the firmest it’s been yet. They fall silent, this time the one to watch him warily. “We’ve already talked about this. None of this was anyone’s fault and that includes you.”

“That doesn’t- that hardly means I should be the one getting the thanks.” 

“That’s not what I’m saying,” he says. He takes another step toward them, stopping when they tense in spite of themself. “Earhart and I talked a bit, on the ship before the ritual, and she pointed out that if you hadn’t vouched for these people, none of us would have taken them up on this offer. And she was right. It was too perfect, too well-timed, too generous. Those of us from Meritocratic lands… this is unheard of and instantly suspicious.”

They open their mouth and Zolf waves them off, not unkindly. “What I’m- what I’m saying is none of us trusted them. We trusted you, Cel - and  _ that’s  _ the reason we have anyone back at all.” He clears his throat. “So I wanted to thank you. You’re… we’re lucky to have you.”

Cel tries to find something to argue, any of the many failures of their past, any of the unwinnable situations they’ve lived through and how this had nothing to do with them at all - this had been luck, this had been being in the right place, this had been chance, this didn’t make them worth anyone’s trust-

But they can’t voice any of their protests because they can barely breathe. What they manage is a small sob.

Zolf winces, cursing softly under his breath. “Look, I- I know I’m shit at this. I’m sorry. I- just…” He glances around the engine room before looking back at them. “Can- can I hug you?”

For the second time, he has taken them entirely by surprise. They manage a shaky nod and he closes the distance between them without hesitation. It’s an awkward embrace with their respective heights, but his arms are strong around them, firm and unshakable in a way that is so very  _ Zolf _ , and for the second time, Cel breaks. 

Zolf doesn’t say anything about the tears that soak into his shirt, about how they’re trembling from head to toe. He doesn’t say anything at all, gently rubbing their back and keeping them close if Cel tries to pull away. They don’t. They cry until it feels like there's nothing left in them, until their sobs quiet into shaky, uneven breaths. Until even those begin to steady. 

When they’re finished they pull away, self-consciousness reasserting itself. They’ve lowered themself to their knees to lessen the distance so now they’re kneeling in front of Zolf. Their face is wet, hot and blotchy and their throat is raw. They smile, small and sad. “Um hi,” they croak.

He doesn’t smile but he looks at them with an echo of the soft expression they had seen after the resurrection. “Hey,” he says. He retrieves his canteen of water and passes it to them to drink. 

“Thanks,” they say, handing it back. “For… all of that.”

Zolf raises an eyebrow. “We are going to have that coping mechanisms talk some day, alright?”

“... Yeah, alright.” 

He studies them a moment longer, but Cel holds his gaze. Let’s him know that this time, they’re not deflecting. Zolf reaches out and squeezes their bicep. “Alright,” he repeats. “Did you want to… stay here a bit longer?”

“I really was going to check on what we need. Everything happened so fast, I never really got a chance.” Their smile grows. “Go on - I know you’ll be missed before I am.”

Zolf snorts, but there isn’t the bite that would follow their normal teasing. “I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” They raise an eyebrow in turn but he doesn’t elaborate, merely gives their arm one more squeeze before releasing them. Cel stands, their knees aching a little as they do so. 

“I won’t be long,” they concede. “Um, thank you. Again.” 

He smiles, a proper, warm smile. “Likewise.”

Once he’s gone Cel wipes again at their face, takes a fortifying breath, and turns back to the engine, gears finally beginning to turn in their mind once again. 


End file.
